Failed Roadtrip
by Stargazer79
Summary: The Guys try to go on a roadtrip. They fail.
1. Chapter 1

Cooper and Shawna patiently sit and wait in the driver and passenger seats of the Guy limo. All the Guys are trying to get in to go on a road trip. Cooper and Shawna gave up trying to control them a while ago.

Campbell: Stop stepping on my foot, Autolycus!

Autolycus: That's your foot? I thought it was Grug's hand.

Jett: That's my seat, Callisto.

Callisto: I don't see your name on it.

There is a little piece of metal with Jett's name engraved on it nailed to the chair.

Jett: Get out!

Callisto hisses at him. Nearby, Hope is trying to shove Guy out a window.

Jace: Aphrodite, get your hair out of my mouth!

Aphrodite: Eww, get your spit out of my hair!

Giselle: Can I sit next to you, Hercules?

Hercules (sitting by a window): Sure.

Golden Trance: But I wanted to sit next to Hercules.

Argo: No, I did! Let me!

Meg: _I'm _sitting next to him.

Iolaus takes the seat next to Hercules.

Iolaus: Ladies, ladies, calm down. I sit next to Herc. But one of you can sit next to me.

Xena sits next to Iolaus.

Iolaus: Aw, Xena! Let a lady sit there!

Xena: What, now I'm not a lady?

Iolaus: Well, you are, but...

Xena: But nothing. Deal.

Iolaus slumps.

Cooper: Shawna dear, are all the Guys in the car?

Shawna: I believe so, sweetie.

Cooper: Okay, let's get this road trip over with.

Cooper begins driving toward the first attraction: the Grand Canyon.

Dahak: Hope, take your seatbelt off.

Hope: Sorry, Father. Mother forced me.

Dahak: I'll force her!

Dahak ties Gabrielle up with a bunch of seatbelts. Iolaus II comes rolling back to that seat.

Iolaus II: I'll help you, Gabrielle II.

Gabrielle: Gabrielle II? I'm Gabrielle, uh, one.

Iolaus II: Oh.

Iolaus II flips back over more seats in search of his friend.

Gabrielle: That doesn't mean you shouldn't help me!

Iolaus II lands in a seat next to Hope.

Iolaus II: There you are.

Hope stares at him, then starts smiling evilly.

Iolaus II: Hope? I thought we were past this evil stuff in our relationship.

Hope raises an axe.

Iolaus II: You're not Hope!

The Executioner tries to chop Iolaus II's head off. Iolaus II screams and runs as best as he can while in a car. Hope grabs the Executioner and flings her out a nearby window, where she hangs onto the car.

Hope: Itunes, help me get this thing out the window.

Iolaus II starts helping to squeeze Guy out the window.

Iolaus II: Why can you just fling the Executioner out but you have such trouble with Guy?

Hope: Simple. Guy is fat.

Guy: I am not fat!

Jarem climbs to the back row of seats, followed by Trance, Golden Trance, and Campbell. He sits next to the tied up Gabrielle.

Jarem: Hey there, Gabby.

Gabrielle: Jarem, can you untie me?

Jarem: It's okay, Gabby. I understand perfectly your need for safety...

Gabrielle: No Jarem, I don't want to be tied up!

Jarem: ...and sometimes even I go to extreme measures such as you did...

Gabrielle (looking to Jarem's friends): Can one of you help me?

Trance and Golden Trance are hypnotized by Jarem's speech, and Campbell is still trying to climb over a seat.

Jarem: ...because safety is good. Safety is my number one...

Jarem and his friends are all flung forward by a sudden stop. Most of the Guys end up crashing against seats, the windshield, and other Guys.

Dahak: You see Hope, that is why we make an example of not wearing our seatbelts.

Hope: Yeah, it is fun watching all the mortals almost break their necks like that.

Dahak: It's even more fun when they actually do break their necks.

The Executioner takes advantage of the stop to get back into the limo.

Jace: Hey Jett, want me to sing you a song?

Jett glares at him from being mushed in his seat beside Callisto.

Jett: No.

Jace: Oh, your favorite! The No song!

Jett: Noooo!

Jace begins singing. Jett tries to cover his ears but Callisto is in the way.

Ares: Has anyone seen Strife lately? Not that I care.

Tataka: Oh, I locked him in the trunk before we left.

Ares starts laughing.

Ares: That's not as good as leaving him behind, but it's pretty good!

Tataka (joining in laughing): It is quite convenient not having him around to annoy us.

They laugh like crazy. Soon they are overdoing it and crying from laughter. Other Guys are staring at them.

Ares: I forget what we were laughing about!

Tataka: I locked Strife in the trunk.

They start up again, and Callisto gets going. Jace sings louder to be heard over them. Jett is not having a good time.

Hours later when it's dark out, Cooper pulls into the parking lot of a hotel. Most of the Guys sleepily go get a room.

Cooper and Shawna revive Jace because Jett killed him. They also revive Strife, who suffocated in the trunk, and Gabrielle, who somehow got strangled in the seatbelts she was tied up in.

All the Guys fill up the hotel, so Cooper and Shawna sleep in the car.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning it takes Cooper two hours and twenty-three minutes to round up all the Guys and get them in the limo. When he turns it on, it doesn't start. Shawna wakes up in the passenger seat.

Cooper: Good morning, sugar cakes. I got a head start, but the car broke down.

Shawna: Darling, we made it to the Grand Canyon already. We don't need the car.

Shawna points past the lonely, deserted hotel to the Grand Canyon. Cooper releases the Guys from the car.

Lara: I'm hungry!

Ariel: Yeah, me too!

Iolaus: Feed us!

A bunch of Guys: Food! Food! Food! FOOD!

Before things get out of hand Cooper and Shawna open up the secret stash of emergency Guy food. They had out bagels, muffins, and bread.

Strife: I want grapes!

Campbell: I want lobster!

Joxer: I want barbecue ribs!

Gabrielle: I want nutbread!

Autolycus (points): You have nutbread.

Gabrielle: Oh yeah.

Gabrielle tries to shove the loaf of nutbread in her mouth.

Cooper: Besides nutbread, none of those foods are authorized for breakfast.

Jett: You're not authorized!

Cooper: You are quite right.

A bunch of grapes fall out of Meg's shirt.

Strife: Sweet, juicy, precious grapes!

Strife, Trance, Xena, Ares, Guy, and Hercules all lunge for the grapes around Meg's feet. Iolaus stands clear.

Jarem: Does anyone have plumps in their shirt?

Argo: What kind of question is that, Jarem? Nobody's gonna have plumps hidden in...

Giselle: I do!

Giselle shares her plumps with Jarem.

Cooper: Where do they get all this unauthorized food?

Shawna: From down their shirts, honey. Now let's get them moving.

The Guys all walk toward the canyon.

Aphrodite: Can we, like, go home now? My hair's getting frizzy!

Jace: We just got here! I bet my singing would echo if I went down there.

Jace begins climbing down into the canyon.

Cooper: You are not supposed to do that. Please come back up here.

Jace continues and everyone else follows his lead. Cooper and Shawna awkwardly stand there not knowing what to do.

Callisto accidentally dislodges a rock from the cliffside and a bunch of boulders start tumbling down onto the Guys.

Lara: Rock slide!

All the Guys tumble down with the rocks. After the rockslide stops and they are all buried at the bottom, Hercules digs his way out. He helps Xena out.

Hercules: Without Cooper and Shawna we can't be revived if we die.

Xena: So let's dig out all the live people and leave all the dead ones here.

Hercules: Hopefully no one died.

Xena: Well, I kinda hope some of them did.

Hercules and Xena start to dig.

Xena: Gabrielle! Gabrielle!

Hercules: Why are you calling for her?

Xena (shrugs): Gives me motive.

Hercules looks thoughtful for a moment.

Hercules: Iolaus! Iolaus! Wow, it works. Iolaus!

Hercules removes a giant boulder and sticks his head in the hole that was under it.

Hercules: Iolaus!

Aphrodite: Your breath stinks, big bro.

Hercules (helping Aphrodite out): Are you okay?

Aphrodite: No!

Hercules: What's wrong?

Aphrodite: I'm all dirty and stinky!

Hercules: You're fine.

Hercules goes back to searching for survivors. Aphrodite tries to fingercomb her messy hair but only gets her hands stuck in the knots.

A bunch of the rocks blast away and Dahak climbs out with Hope. Ares soon follows, dragging a whimpering Strife.

Ares: I can't believe I have to waste my time helping you.

Xena pulls Jarem out and drops him on his hip to pop it back into place.

Xena: Now help.

Jarem attempts to move a big rock but it doesn't budge. He switches to a rock the size of his fist and just barely manages to move it.

Hercules finds Grug.

Hercules: Come on Grug, we need your help.

Grug: No, I'm safe in this cave.

Hercules: Not if it collapses on you.

Grug doesn't respond. Hercules sighs in defeat and walks away.

Xena pulls Callisto out by her hair.

Callisto: Ugh, I've had enough of being buried under rocks for a million lifetimes.

Xena throws her aside.

Eventually all the Guys get saved. Miraculously, none of them are dead, but Iolaus has a fractured wrist, Gabrielle has a sprained ankle, Autolycus has a broken arm, and Lara is covered in bloody scratches.

Golden Trance: What do we do?

Autolycus: Hmm, we can't climb out.

Jett: I can.

Autolycus: Well, I can't.

Xena: We need to stick together or some of us won't make it.

Jett sticks his tongue out at them.

Joxer: Oh, stop being so childish, Jett!

Jett: Shut up, you're the childish one.

Joxer: No, you are!

Jett: No, you are!

Joxer: No, you are!

Jett: No, you are!

Joxer: Jace is!

Jett: No, you... Yeah okay, Jace is.

Ares: If you immature children are finished, let's just walk along the canyon and try to find an easier way up for the injured.

Hope: You're being uncharacteristically considerate.

Ares: I do it only for Xena.

Xena (dreamily): What a man.

Ares gloats.

They all start down the canyon. After a while, they hear a loud, continuous roar. Behind them, the canyon is filling up with water rushing right for them.

Trance: Run!

Gabrielle: I can't!

Guy throws Gabrielle up on Argo and they all start running.

Grug: To that cave!

Campbell: You would be the one to mention the cave.

Iolaus: Does it matter which one of us mentions the cave right now!?

Everyone follows Grug into the cave. Some of the stronger Guys push an extra huge boulder in front of the entrance, and they are sealed in. The boulder holds as the water rushes by.

Tataka: I found a tunnel!

Jace: I found one, too.

Ariel: I found another one.

Tataka: We will go in mine.

Jace: No, mine's definately the right one.

Tataka (growling): Mine will get us out of here!

Jace: Mine will get us out of here faster!

Ariel: We don't have to go in mine if nobody wants to.

Meg: Well Grug, you're the caveman. Which tunnel?

Grug: I don't know about tunnels. I only know about caves. And I think we should stay here.

Autolycus: That is not an option. Since Ariel didn't push it, let's go in the one she found.

Everyone goes down that tunnel. They follow it until the way is blocked by an impassable forest of vines.

Jace: Told you my tunnel would have been better.

Tataka: These are just vines. Who knows what worse things were in your tunnel.

Iolaus II: Yeah, they're just vines. How bad can they be?

Iolaus II tries to walk through the vines. The vines wrap around him and tangle him all up in them.

Iolaus II: Help!

Lara steps forward to help but Hercules blocks her.

Hercules: No need for all of us to get stuck.

Hercules turns to the Executioner.

Hercules: You there, cut him down and then make a path through these vines.

Iolaus II screams as the Executioner comes at him like a maniac with her axe. She cuts him down, then spins through all the vines and they all fall to the ground. The path is cleared.

Iolaus: I'm hungry. Is anyone else hungry?

Jett: I am.

Autolycus: Me too.

Callisto (leaning toward a group of women): Men are always hungry.

Joxer: Anyone have any food?

Gabrielle: I have leftover nutbread.

Meg: I still have some grapes.

Xena: I have a bagel.

A bunch of the women pull food out of their shirts.

Guy (leaning toward a group of men): Why do women always have food stashed down their shirts?

Strife: Why do we eat it without hesitation even though we know it's been down their shirts?

Guy shrugs. The hungry dudes eat, and the Guys continue down the tunnel.


	3. Chapter 3

The Guys are still walking down the tunnel. They haven't found anything yet. Suddenly Iolaus II starts flipping out. His screams echo in the tunnel.

Argo: Shut up, Iolaus II! You'll cause another rockslide!

Iolaus II ignores her.

Iolaus II: Get it off! Get it off! Aaah, I'm gonna die!

Jett and Meg manage to pin Iolaus II up against the wall. Callisto picks up the thing that was crawling up his arm.

Callisto: It's a ladybug.

Lara: How did a ladybug get in here?

Campbell: Maybe it knows a way out. Put it down and see what it does.

Callisto places the ladybug on the ground. All the Guys crowd around it. It doesn't move.

Joxer: Great, Callisto! You killed it!

Callisto: I did not kill it!

Strife: Maybe we should poke it.

Hope: You poke it, I'm not poking it.

Grug reaches down to poke the ladybug. It crawls onto his finger. All the Guys are focused on it to see what it does. The ladybug opens it's wings to fly. Grug sticks it in his mouth and eats it.

Tataka: Grug! Now we don't have a chance.

Ares: Shut up, that ladybug wasn't our only chance.

Tataka: Don't tell me to shut up.

Jace: Let's just keep moving, shall we?

Everyone continues walking. Hours later, some Guys are starting to drag their feet.

Aphrodite: I'm, like, really tired. Can we just go home now?

Dahak: That's what we've been trying to do. Where have you been?

Aphrodite: Lay off!

Guy: I'm tired, too. It's my turn to ride the horse.

Argo: Excuse me? The horse?

Guy shrugs.

Gabrielle: I'm riding. Go ride Grug or something.

Guy: Okay.

Grug doesn't seem to notice as Guy climbs onto his back.

Iolaus: Does anyone have any food left?

The Executioner slaps Iolaus when he tries to look down her shirt for food.

Xena: No, you men ate it all.

Iolaus: But I'm hungry!

Autolycus: Me too!

Grug: I'm not. I just ate.

Golden Trance: You ate a ladybug. Hours ago.

Grug: Yup.

Golden Trance stares at him.

Lara: Did anyone else notice we're going downhill?

Trance: Hmm, we are. Aren't we supposed to be going up?

Joxer: Wherever we're going, I can't go on anymore.

Joxer collapses.

Jarem: Man down!

Jarem trips over a rock before he can get to poor, defenseless Joxer. Hercules lifts them both to their feet.

Hercules: Come on, guys. Let's try to make it home before dark.

Giselle: But it's always dark in here. Maybe it's already nighttime.

Jace: I'm pretty sure it is. Good night!

Jace lays on the ground and falls asleep. Others join him. Soon they are all asleep in a dogpile wrapped in Grug's giant arms. They wake up a long time later when water is trickling in from the way they came.

Campbell: Looks like the water got in.

Autolycus: We might want to hurry out of here before the water catches up to us and traps us and we all dramatically drown while we try to climb over each other for the last breath of air.

Hercules is trying to hug a bunch of the younger people.

Hercules: Tone it down, Autolycus. You're scaring the children.

Strife (pushing Hercules away): I'm not a child.

Hercules: You act like one.

Strife whines. They start walking again. The water is slowly rising.

Giselle (tapping Autolycus on the shoulder): Are we really gonna drown?

Autolycus: Yeah.

Giselle starts crying. Iolaus smacks Autolycus on the back of his head.

Aphrodite: I'm cold.

Dahak: You should wear more.

Jett: I'm cold too.

Xena: I have some blankets in my saddle bag.

Jett goes to get the blankets. Gabrielle is already wrapped up in them while riding Argo.

Jett: Give it.

Gabrielle: No.

Jett pulls on a blanket and drags Gabrielle off of Argo. He wraps it around himself and starts walking. Gabrielle refuses to let go so she ends up being dragged behind Jett.

Tataka, who is in the lead, suddenly stops.

Tataka: Dead end!

Joxer: Now we're gonna die for sure!

For some reason Callisto finds that funny and starts laughing. Hercules and Xena start trying to break through the rock wall.

Hercules: Deianira! Serena! Mother!

Campbell: Why are you calling for all those people who aren't here?

Hercules: Motive. Come on, help!

Xena: Gabrielle! Gabrielle!

Gabrielle: What!?

Xena: Don't you know motive when you hear it? Now let me work in peace. Gabrielle!

Grug, Argo, Jett, Iolaus, and Lara join them. Dahak, Ares, and Hope help by blasting at the wall with fireballs. The Executioner is chopping away at the rocks with her axe.

They are making good progress until a giant drill comes through the wall from the other side and kills them all.

Cooper: Found them, honey.

Shawna: Good, now we won't get in so much trouble for losing them.

Cooper and Shawna wait to revive the Guys until they are back at Guy mansion.

Iolaus: Wow, we were so good at getting out of that tunnel that I don't remember half of it!

Meg: Me neither. We probably did it so fast our brains couldn't keep track!

Cooper and Shawna are watching the Guys on moniters.

Cooper: They never knew what hit them.


End file.
